With Aunt Marybeth:
Marybeth (reading with Elliott) – “how does the triceratops protect himself?
Elliott, “he eats plants.”
Marybeth, “Yes, he does eat plants, but how does he PROTECT himself?”
Elliott, “He’s twenty feet long.”
Marybeth, “Yes…”
Regarding the new house:
“Elliott, that is NOT allowed in our house!”
After thinking for a minute, “Hey mom, can we get a new house?”
On Drinkin’
Drinking cider with Elliott. "Mom! This cider is RARY good. It's 100 Proof!"
Me, eyebrow raised "100 proof? Where did you learn about juice being 100 proof?"
Elliott, casually, "The grape juice at school says '100 proof' on it."
At the dentist:
Hygienist, “So what’s your FAVORITE color?”
Elliott, adjusting his glasses and replying matter of factly. “Well, God maked me. And God maked me like pink and purple. Those are my favorite colors.”
On The Lord:
"Mom, what's Holly Lou?"
"Hallelujah is something people say when they're praising God. How do YOU praise God?"
"Like rabbits."
No hesitation whatsoever.
Holding a stuffed bunny as it "talks" in falsetto, "I have buttons. Jesus made me. And the Whole. Wide. World. See ya tomorrow!!!"
Interesting Perceptions
That China is a land full of toys, because so many of his toys are Made In China. Leading to this very logical question:
“Mom, are DOGS made in China?”
After Halloween
Elliott holding up candy bar "Hi, my name is ButterFinger! What's yours?"
Me: "My name is Butterfinger EATER!"
Elliott, "No. Your name is Mommy. And it's a BEAUtiful name."
Awwwww.
Thanksgiving Morning
Elliott, hopping out of our bed "MOM! the clock says Seven-One-Four!"
Me, from under a pillow, "And what does that mean?"
Elliott: "IT'S THURSDAY!"
Things you might not expect at dinnertime
“Sour cream gives me super powers!”
*rubs it into his hands*
Love-Story
Elliott: "My books came in at school today!"
Me: "I can't wait to read them with you!"
Elliott: "Oh, you love me?"
Another kind of story
"Mommy, tonight I want to tell YOU a story.”
“OK Elliott, go for it.”
"There once was a little boy named Elliott. And he did NOT WANT TO BE OBEDIENT.”
The End.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Happy Foot in your Mouth Day!
Coworker 1: You guys were supposed to wear ugly sweaters today!
Me: Is that why you're wearing the ugly shirt?
(I immediately feel bad for saying that.)
I'm just kidding! I actually really like that shirt. If they had it in a size 4 I would totally buy it for Elliott.
Oh crap, I don't mean it's a kid shirt. I like to dress him like a little man.
Not that you're a little man.
crap crap crap I'm going to stop talking.
Coworker 2: NO KEEP GOING!
Me: Is that why you're wearing the ugly shirt?
(I immediately feel bad for saying that.)
I'm just kidding! I actually really like that shirt. If they had it in a size 4 I would totally buy it for Elliott.
Oh crap, I don't mean it's a kid shirt. I like to dress him like a little man.
Not that you're a little man.
crap crap crap I'm going to stop talking.
Coworker 2: NO KEEP GOING!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
You can never have too many toy cars...
"Mom!" he wailed frantically. "Have you seen my Goodwrench car?"
"Your what?"
"My new car!"
Oh right. The little matchbox we picked up at a garage sale.
"Nope, why don't you play with another car?"
"MOM I need it. Will you help me find it?"
Really, Elliott, you need more cars.
After all, there are only two on the radiator covers.
(And who knows how many have fallen down under the covers... at least one that I saw with my own eyes!)
Oh look! Here's a lonely little hot wheels in the couch cushion... but you're right. He's not your GOODWRENCH nascar racing replica. You're four and this is really important. I forget these things.
Hey now, look at this! It's Lightning McQueen. Surely he rates above a faceless, tiny race car?
Or what about this Hess car, from Christmases past? He's been sitting in the dining room for days, staring at the play dough set.
And hey, this looks like fun! It's a water park for cars. Set up in the hallway, right where your toys belong.
Right, well, we'll just leave it there. Because... SURELY you can find a car you'd want to play with in your hot wheels car display. (I wonder why it's half empty.)
Oh no, not those cars. How about this bin full of cars?
or THIS bin full of cars?
What about THIS lonely playset?
Look who's hiding in your bed! (yes, I guess a mattress WOULD be considered offroading)
Bathtub cars! No? Because last week you were all about the color changing cars... Goodwrench car. Right.
What about your playdough cars?! What's more fun than rolling tracks in a mound of dough and smushing blue and yellow bits up in a mini cooper's wheel wells?! OK. Moving on.
TV CAR! Left behind when you started to veg out during Martha Speaks, if I recall correctly.
Sorry bud, no Goodwrench car in here. Maybe outside? Let's check the front porch.
How about the deck in the back... maybe it's in the garage!
No, not in the garage, and not in your other spot. Hmm. This is tough.
Hey what's that? Oh, just another pair of matchboxes that somehow escaped the lawnmower.
And this would be... the tree stump covered in ants that you love to play on. Fun!
Sorry bud, maybe you should just pick a different car and go drive it on...
Oh. Sure. That works.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Awkward!
Awkwardness at the Ballet
Last Friday, after the Great Escape (and subsequent ice cream dinner), my mom and I went to see the ballet at SPAC.
I don’t know anything about dancing, so I can’t review the performances. We were in the 13th row and I had a great view of ballerinas doing their thing. It was a little warm, everyone was using the programs as fans, and I don’t think it got comfortably cool until the performances were drawing to a close. But I can say that I really enjoyed my night out! Especially the last number, with the Leonard Bernstein music and the sailor theme – kind of slapstick and cute. Anyway, around 9PM, after an abstract romantic dance that was a little too artsy-fartsy for me to appreciate, I was getting sleepy and I think Mom was, too. So she offered to get us an iced coffee to split – sweet!
We got our coffee during intermission and looked for a place to sit down – only one empty spot, where someone had left a cup with a couple of ice cubes, rather than tossing their garbage out. Tsk tsk! We sat and argued over how much sugar and cream to put in the coffee, settling for a little sweeter than I like, but not quite as sweet as Mom likes. She stuffed the garbage in the empty cup. (Oh, can you see where I’m going with this? Then maybe YOU’VE run into the Crazy Cup Lady before, too…)
About 10 minutes later, a small woman in her 50s passed by, a searching, desperate look in on her face. Her gaze fell on the cup stuffed with garbage. She gasped. Mom smiled politely. I raised an eyebrow and sort of smiled but not really.
“My… cup…” She said, eyes growing wide with shock.
My mom, clearly wanting to say, “Are you SERIOUS?” instead replied with, “Sorry?”
“I only went--” and her she sucked in a long, shuddering breath “to the bathroom!!”
Crazy Cup Lady stood, drooping and broken, and stared at us.
I gaped back, feeling my eyebrow stuck in the “what the heck” position, but had to break eye contact to avoid bursting out in laughter.
“It was just sitting here,” Mom said flatly.
Crazy Cup Lady whispered something to herself and slunk away.
I started to giggle. Mom stared after her for a moment. We got up and wandered back to our seats, ready to catch the Leonard Bernstein performance. She tossed the garbage cup in the trash.
I patted her shoulder. “Guess we can’t leave empty disposable cups within arms reach, Mom. You’ll just treat them like garbage.”
She shook her head.
Awkwardness in the Bathroom
Well, we’ve been living with my parents for 110 days (not that I’m keeping count…) which means that 6 people have been sharing the bathroom for 110 days, which means that we’ve had a pretty good run.
If you are faint of heart, be assured that the following awkward moment does not involve nudity or poop.
Last night, I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom as Michael turned off the DVD player and computer, so I knew he would be up to brush his teeth as well. I heard him knock on the door so I said “come on in!”
Except who comes on in but my dad, shuffling and half asleep, blinded by the bathroom lights, and completely unaware that I’m the one who invited him in. Maybe he thought it was my mom? Who was lying asleep in the bed he just climbed out of? Not sure.
He leaned toward the toilet.
AAAHHHH!!!! screamed my brain. With my mouth full of toothpaste, I sputtered, “Dad just let me leave first!”
He blinked, sleepy and confused, and continued to lean forward.
Ready to bolt, it was then I noticed that he was leaning forward… toward the back of the toilet… where the box of Kleenex was sitting… to pluck a tissue from the box… and shuffle back to bed.
Note: the shuffle mentioned above is the “half asleep shuffle,” not the “old person shuffle.”
I also noticed that Michael had been standing in the hallway laughing silently. Clearly, he didn’t recognize the gravity of a situation where I a) almost had a heart attack b) almost choked to death on toothpaste or c) almost knocked my dad over fleeing the bathroom. Fortunately, I was able to relax with a nervous, slightly crazy, fit of laughter.
Last Friday, after the Great Escape (and subsequent ice cream dinner), my mom and I went to see the ballet at SPAC.
I don’t know anything about dancing, so I can’t review the performances. We were in the 13th row and I had a great view of ballerinas doing their thing. It was a little warm, everyone was using the programs as fans, and I don’t think it got comfortably cool until the performances were drawing to a close. But I can say that I really enjoyed my night out! Especially the last number, with the Leonard Bernstein music and the sailor theme – kind of slapstick and cute. Anyway, around 9PM, after an abstract romantic dance that was a little too artsy-fartsy for me to appreciate, I was getting sleepy and I think Mom was, too. So she offered to get us an iced coffee to split – sweet!
We got our coffee during intermission and looked for a place to sit down – only one empty spot, where someone had left a cup with a couple of ice cubes, rather than tossing their garbage out. Tsk tsk! We sat and argued over how much sugar and cream to put in the coffee, settling for a little sweeter than I like, but not quite as sweet as Mom likes. She stuffed the garbage in the empty cup. (Oh, can you see where I’m going with this? Then maybe YOU’VE run into the Crazy Cup Lady before, too…)
About 10 minutes later, a small woman in her 50s passed by, a searching, desperate look in on her face. Her gaze fell on the cup stuffed with garbage. She gasped. Mom smiled politely. I raised an eyebrow and sort of smiled but not really.
“My… cup…” She said, eyes growing wide with shock.
My mom, clearly wanting to say, “Are you SERIOUS?” instead replied with, “Sorry?”
“I only went--” and her she sucked in a long, shuddering breath “to the bathroom!!”
Crazy Cup Lady stood, drooping and broken, and stared at us.
I gaped back, feeling my eyebrow stuck in the “what the heck” position, but had to break eye contact to avoid bursting out in laughter.
“It was just sitting here,” Mom said flatly.
Crazy Cup Lady whispered something to herself and slunk away.
I started to giggle. Mom stared after her for a moment. We got up and wandered back to our seats, ready to catch the Leonard Bernstein performance. She tossed the garbage cup in the trash.
I patted her shoulder. “Guess we can’t leave empty disposable cups within arms reach, Mom. You’ll just treat them like garbage.”
She shook her head.
Awkwardness in the Bathroom
Well, we’ve been living with my parents for 110 days (not that I’m keeping count…) which means that 6 people have been sharing the bathroom for 110 days, which means that we’ve had a pretty good run.
If you are faint of heart, be assured that the following awkward moment does not involve nudity or poop.
Last night, I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom as Michael turned off the DVD player and computer, so I knew he would be up to brush his teeth as well. I heard him knock on the door so I said “come on in!”
Except who comes on in but my dad, shuffling and half asleep, blinded by the bathroom lights, and completely unaware that I’m the one who invited him in. Maybe he thought it was my mom? Who was lying asleep in the bed he just climbed out of? Not sure.
He leaned toward the toilet.
AAAHHHH!!!! screamed my brain. With my mouth full of toothpaste, I sputtered, “Dad just let me leave first!”
He blinked, sleepy and confused, and continued to lean forward.
Ready to bolt, it was then I noticed that he was leaning forward… toward the back of the toilet… where the box of Kleenex was sitting… to pluck a tissue from the box… and shuffle back to bed.
Note: the shuffle mentioned above is the “half asleep shuffle,” not the “old person shuffle.”
I also noticed that Michael had been standing in the hallway laughing silently. Clearly, he didn’t recognize the gravity of a situation where I a) almost had a heart attack b) almost choked to death on toothpaste or c) almost knocked my dad over fleeing the bathroom. Fortunately, I was able to relax with a nervous, slightly crazy, fit of laughter.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Not Me Monday
"Not Me Monday"... an idea I am borrowing from my favorite Monday blog, Seeking Contentment
Let me tell you exactly what things are like in our home - we have RULES. And you best believe our little guy says "how high" when we say "jump." He doesn't test the limits again and again and again and again to see if we were really really serious that time.
So last night, he knew all about the No Toys at the Dinner Table rule. (It's a good rule.) He didn't plop his tushie in the chair holding Woody from Toy Story. If he had, I would have sternly instructed him to go put that toy in the toybox where it belonged. But he didn't, so there was no issue when we joined hands for grace. It wasn't like I held the toy's hand and listened to it give thanks. That sort of nonsense would never happen here. And if a child were to then hover the toy above his lasagna and make it mutter about how hot the food was? Turn a blind eye? Not me! Engage in a discussion about Woody's missing hat during family dinner time? Not me, either. I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere. Too tired to be consistent? Shame on you. That would never happen to me... after all, dinner is quality family time.
Did I just say dinner was quality family time? Right. So.
I did not stop at Stewarts on Friday and treat my family to ice cream for dinner. And we weren't all starving because I forget the meal vouchers when we went to the Great Escape for the company picnic. Not me, I wouldn't forget something important! And speaking of forgetting things, I did not smirk a little when I realized that Michelle (coworker) almost forgot her own vouchers after repeatedly reminding me about my own. Nope, I'm not that kind of lady. And when we wearily and happily left the Great Escape, after snacking on only smuggled crackers and apples, it wasn't me who decided that ice cream would be a proper meal. So, as you can plainly see, it was NOT my fault either when the ice cream dinner turned out to be a race my four year old was having with me that I knew nothing about. I can also promise you that, when he saw me take the last bite (that I did not wolf down noisily), and howled STOP BEATING ME as though he were, in fact, being beaten and not just losing an ice cream-eating race, I absolutely did not laugh out loud with a mouth full of waffle cone. What kind of mother would react that way? Not this one.
Dignity. I handle things with dignity.
The next day, when my son came up to me and announced in a loud voice "ROUND 1, FIGHT!" and put up his dukes, naturally I explained to him that violence was not acceptable in our loving, Christian home. I certainly did not bellow my husband's name, accuse him of corrupting our child, and stomp away. That sort of aggression? Emphatically not me. Furthermore, when my child repeated this behavior the next day, I did not pull a 180. I explained again (I swear!) in my quietly angelic voice that we do not put up our dukes like we are going to punch our mommy. Under no circumstances did I laugh at the innocent little one and raucously assure him "Knock yourself out, Buddy, but Mama is the Megaboss, I would OWN you." Who taunts a four year old; besides, he doesn't even know what a Megaboss is! Therefore, as I'm sure you already guessed, I concluded my morality lesson by teaching him an appropriate Bible verse, and it most certainly did not end with me swinging my puny opponent around by the feet and depositing him headfirst on the couch. Heavens, no!
Let me tell you exactly what things are like in our home - we have RULES. And you best believe our little guy says "how high" when we say "jump." He doesn't test the limits again and again and again and again to see if we were really really serious that time.
So last night, he knew all about the No Toys at the Dinner Table rule. (It's a good rule.) He didn't plop his tushie in the chair holding Woody from Toy Story. If he had, I would have sternly instructed him to go put that toy in the toybox where it belonged. But he didn't, so there was no issue when we joined hands for grace. It wasn't like I held the toy's hand and listened to it give thanks. That sort of nonsense would never happen here. And if a child were to then hover the toy above his lasagna and make it mutter about how hot the food was? Turn a blind eye? Not me! Engage in a discussion about Woody's missing hat during family dinner time? Not me, either. I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere. Too tired to be consistent? Shame on you. That would never happen to me... after all, dinner is quality family time.
Did I just say dinner was quality family time? Right. So.
I did not stop at Stewarts on Friday and treat my family to ice cream for dinner. And we weren't all starving because I forget the meal vouchers when we went to the Great Escape for the company picnic. Not me, I wouldn't forget something important! And speaking of forgetting things, I did not smirk a little when I realized that Michelle (coworker) almost forgot her own vouchers after repeatedly reminding me about my own. Nope, I'm not that kind of lady. And when we wearily and happily left the Great Escape, after snacking on only smuggled crackers and apples, it wasn't me who decided that ice cream would be a proper meal. So, as you can plainly see, it was NOT my fault either when the ice cream dinner turned out to be a race my four year old was having with me that I knew nothing about. I can also promise you that, when he saw me take the last bite (that I did not wolf down noisily), and howled STOP BEATING ME as though he were, in fact, being beaten and not just losing an ice cream-eating race, I absolutely did not laugh out loud with a mouth full of waffle cone. What kind of mother would react that way? Not this one.
Dignity. I handle things with dignity.
The next day, when my son came up to me and announced in a loud voice "ROUND 1, FIGHT!" and put up his dukes, naturally I explained to him that violence was not acceptable in our loving, Christian home. I certainly did not bellow my husband's name, accuse him of corrupting our child, and stomp away. That sort of aggression? Emphatically not me. Furthermore, when my child repeated this behavior the next day, I did not pull a 180. I explained again (I swear!) in my quietly angelic voice that we do not put up our dukes like we are going to punch our mommy. Under no circumstances did I laugh at the innocent little one and raucously assure him "Knock yourself out, Buddy, but Mama is the Megaboss, I would OWN you." Who taunts a four year old; besides, he doesn't even know what a Megaboss is! Therefore, as I'm sure you already guessed, I concluded my morality lesson by teaching him an appropriate Bible verse, and it most certainly did not end with me swinging my puny opponent around by the feet and depositing him headfirst on the couch. Heavens, no!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
A House? For us?!
We have been approved and are in contract for the house we want!
I am trying to focus on the positive which is - moving into a beautiful home. Sometimes the stress is a little overwhelming, though. I've had to invest in a dental guard because I have been clenching my teeth so much at night that my jaw hurts all the next day. And I make weird grins to ease the discomfort. And then my boss stops in the middle of a sentence to ask what the heck is the matter with me. And I'm so tweaked out with stress that I am just saying whatever comes to mind; not just "Tell us what you really think, har har har," more like "Um, are you smoking weed?"
It's frustrating getting everything going for the closing. Things keep changing. We have had some blog-worthy conversations with the realtor and mortgage person... conversations that leave us more confused than (most of) our discussions with Elliott...I swear they just make stuff up as they go along!
And did I mention that buying a house is expensive? No? Guess what? It costs money. Lots.
I am trying to focus on the positive which is - moving into a beautiful home. Sometimes the stress is a little overwhelming, though. I've had to invest in a dental guard because I have been clenching my teeth so much at night that my jaw hurts all the next day. And I make weird grins to ease the discomfort. And then my boss stops in the middle of a sentence to ask what the heck is the matter with me. And I'm so tweaked out with stress that I am just saying whatever comes to mind; not just "Tell us what you really think, har har har," more like "Um, are you smoking weed?"
It's frustrating getting everything going for the closing. Things keep changing. We have had some blog-worthy conversations with the realtor and mortgage person... conversations that leave us more confused than (most of) our discussions with Elliott...I swear they just make stuff up as they go along!
And did I mention that buying a house is expensive? No? Guess what? It costs money. Lots.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Mom, Can I have a drink?
Warning, it will hurt you to read this. This isn't "cute things my kid says" it's more like "someone please tell me this is just a really annoying phase, emphasis on phase."
Other disclaimer: we are working on Listening and Not Interrupting People skills. Unsuccessfully, duh.
"Mom, can I have a drink?"
"Sure, what would you like to drink?"
Louder, "Mom, can I have a drink?"
"What would you like to drink?"
Frantic, "Mom, can I have a drink?"
"Listen. To. Me."
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
"What did I say?"
"I don't know!!! I don't know what did you said?!!!"
"I said, what would you like to drink."
"I would like juice."
"O--"
"Juice! I would like juice."
"--K"
"I would like juice, Mom!"
"OKAYI'MGETTINGYOUSOMEJUICE!"
"Thank you"
"You're --"
"THANK YOU!"
"--Wel--"
"Thank. YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"
...
Other disclaimer: we are working on Listening and Not Interrupting People skills. Unsuccessfully, duh.
"Mom, can I have a drink?"
"Sure, what would you like to drink?"
Louder, "Mom, can I have a drink?"
"What would you like to drink?"
Frantic, "Mom, can I have a drink?"
"Listen. To. Me."
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
"What did I say?"
"I don't know!!! I don't know what did you said?!!!"
"I said, what would you like to drink."
"I would like juice."
"O--"
"Juice! I would like juice."
"--K"
"I would like juice, Mom!"
"OKAYI'MGETTINGYOUSOMEJUICE!"
"Thank you"
"You're --"
"THANK YOU!"
"--Wel--"
"Thank. YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"
...
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